


in a watching way

by Menacherie



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 13:11:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17244833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Menacherie/pseuds/Menacherie
Summary: His dreams are filled with snapshots of a life that could be, if Jamie felt like ruining his world.





	in a watching way

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EveryDayBella](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EveryDayBella/gifts).



Most people, Jamie thinks. Most people would be happy to remember the moment they started to fall in love. For most people, he thinks. It’s a happy moment. 

Jamie remembers the moment as the moment that could ruin everything. 

\--

As most things do, it starts with hockey. 

Flushed faces, sweaty curls, smiles hidden behind eyes. Warmth felt through gear, hands distanced by thick gloves (his name splayed across delicate wrists).

Jamie has always noticed more than people think he does. His big doe eyes and soft voice make him seem more oblivious than he really is. 

(all the better to see you with, all the better to hear you)

Jamie fades to the background and Tyler shines, like the sun. Freckles like dustmotes splayed across his shoulders, black marks on his arms displayed like armor. 

Jamie sees the moment the clouds cross the sun, where Tyler dims and in that moment, Jamie’s heart reaches and takes over his body. 

Blood pounding, heart in his throat, Tyler’s name tripping up his tongue like the strongest tongue twister. 

\--

He’s in love, and his brain doesn’t know what to do. 

\--

He fades, becomes Tyler’s moon. (He forgets, then, that the sun chases the moon wherever she goes)

Things are on the right track, for once. He can’t stand to ruin what he has worked so hard for, what Tyler has bled for, what everyone wants. 

(He forgets that the moon is brighter than any star)

He lets himself love, but only in a watching way, nothing escapes the cage in his chest except the way his body follows Tyler. 

\--

Tyler loves, and Tyler loves strongly, Jamie has seen how quickly people become enthralled with him. It’s hard not to, Jamie reasons. Jamie has never seen someone so bright before. 

Tyler reaches for something and suddenly he is left wanting nothing. 

What is Jamie worth, what is Jamie to all these people that seek him out and love him so well?

Jamie is content with a smile, a glance, a shared joke at the expense of no one. 

Jamie is content with the love he receives, he tells himself. 

(he is not)

\--

His dreams are filled with snapshots of a life that could be, if Jamie felt like ruining his world. (fire is on the edge of those dreams, heat curling in around him. A warning.)

He thinks about getting a dog, those days where he wakes up panting, but alone. 

Jamie wakes up early some days, just to avoid the dreams. 

(it doesn’t help the ache in his chest)

\----

Tyler isn’t the most observant person except when it comes to hockey. He notices the important shit though, like Jamie slowly starting to fade into the background. 

He lets his hands linger, pulls him in tighter for cellys and tries to keep him around. 

But he keeps fading away. Tyler feels too bright some days, like he is flash, washing out Jamie’s face. 

\--

Tyler watches, pastes a smile on his face. Doesn’t wonder why Jamie is so important to him, because they are a team, the two of them. (the world is always so heavy, but it would be heavier without him)

“Lunch?” he asks. 

Jamie lifts a shoulder as he struggles out of his pads. “Sure, I guess.” 

Tyler smiles wide and bright. 

Jamie turns to look at him. “Val too?” 

The “or just the two of us” is left unsaid, hanging between them. 

“Nah, haven’t hung out with you in ages,” Tyler tells him, cutting through the tension the only way he knows how. 

They can’t agree on a place (they never can, now that Jordie is gone) so Tyler plays Russian Roulette with his phone and picks the first place that he touches. 

They end up at Rodeo Goat, surprisingly not packed. Tyler lets Jamie pick out their beer and burgers as he snags them a few barstools far away from the door. 

It’s a good lunch, Tyler thinks. Jamie looks brighter. 

\--

Tyler drives them home. “I miss you,” he blurts out, as he does. 

Jamie turns to look at him. “Huh?” he asks. “I’ve been here the whole time.” 

“Yeah, but you,” Tyler takes his hands off the wheel to wave them around, unable to think of a strong enough word and Jamie almost reaches for the wheel.

“You weren’t, not really. I miss you,” He says again, this time his voice sounds more sure of the words coming out of his mouth. 

Jamie stares at him for a moment and then looks out of the window, his street flashing by. Tyler swings into Jamie’s driveway and the car is silent. 

“Sorry,” Tyler mutters. 

“No,” Jamie says, and looks back at Tyler. “I mean, yeah, you’re right, I’ve been. I guess I’ve been distant, a little.” 

“Yeah,” Tyler agrees. “Distant is a good word. You haven't come to see the dogs in forever, They miss you too.” 

Jamie cracks a smile, and the thoughts that he’s been pushing down disappear. “You’re ridiculous,” he says. Impulsively, he grabs Tyler’s hand and squeezes. “I’ll come over and see the dogs, they just like me because I give them food.” 

Tyler stares at their hands, and Jamie panics. He didn’t think _that_ would give him away. But he doesn’t even remember the last time he touched Tyler. He tries to yank his hand back but Tyler’s grip is strong. 

“Huh,” Tyler says, still looking at their hands.

“It makes sense,” Tyler says, and Jamie can tell he is talking to himself more than he is talking to Jamie. 

“No, nothing makes sense,” Jamie says, and tries to take his hand back again. 

“Do you trust me?” Tyler asks, finally looking up at Jamie. Jamie freezes. 

“I, well, yeah,” Jamie says. “Of course.” 

“Good,” Tyler says, and yanks on Jamie’s hand, pulling him in closer. 

Their first kiss is simple, just a press of lips, seat belts still pressing against them. Jamie pulls back a moment later. 

The world isn’t on fire, he reasons to himself. He licks his lips, watches Tyler’s eyes go dark. Tyler unbuckles his seat belt and Jamie hurries to do the same when Tyler starts to climb over the center console. 

The second kiss is the one that people write stories about. The one with the heat and the closed eyes and hands sliding around and his heart beating wildly out of control. The one that settles all of the fears hidden in the bottom of his heart. 

Tyler’s sunlight bursts through Jamie and makes him brave enough to reach out and take what is his. 

The rest of the kisses blur into each other, and Jamie loses count.


End file.
